Thursday, August 1, 2019
I have had the biggest issue with going to sleep and getting a good nights rest. I blamed my frequent trips to the hospital for this for a long time. During my period of illness I was admitted into the hospital , well lets just keep it at well over the amount an average person should and within each admission of course you deal with the physical issues of your body keeping you up but in addition to that there is a group of people dedicated to research and monitoring that just means finding out not only what is ailing you but also investigating the best ways to get you back to a healthier state of being. Basically non stop healthcare professionals in and out of your room detailing and documenting each vital sign symptom and whatever else you have been assigned to be under observation of in addition to the medication that is a foreign substance circulating throughout your body as you are not in a complete and whole sense of caring for yourself. All this being said was to defend my case that yes of course my sleep is off.
The truth is I have always been this way. I was taught that an idle mind is the Devil's workshop so I keep myself busy with a to do list that never end when I was younger playing sports constantly showing interest in learning new things always finding myself being the leader of a club or group pf people and then of course as you get older you actually do inherit a great deal of responsibility and for me that was with my children. so not only do a I have my own personal to do I have their to dos I am constantly occupied with.
I built walls of tasks so you would never catch me doing absolutely nothing. I came home from a hospital visit and the first thing I started to do as I walked in the house was clean I did not make it upstairs to my room until maybe 5 hours later. It was like my mind just started right back where it left off so my body followed suit, forgetting what I just came out of which was a serious visit I could have not made it through. As I sat on my bed I was heavy with concern on why I do this to myself. Do I really feel the need to be always doing something or is this me covering up me not focussing on what should be addressed? Its true I need cleanliness and order to process things effectively but what I was doing was excessive (OCD) and worry can lead me right back to major health problems. That night I made it my mission to set an alarm every night to go to bed and that meant turning off and stopping everything I do and go lay down even I don't go to sleep I had to stop at that time. I did this for a month. As you could imagine the first week was insanely rough. I am known for also being someone you can come to if needed and so the hardest task was not answering calls or texts... Man what a discipline!! I just had to pray that it was not an emergency an that hopefully the person on the other line would understand I have to get back to them at a more convenient time. I still struggle with this but what I have gained from seeking rest is greater than the struggle. My peace has been restored and that is major. There is no way I can be in the position of being someone you can depend on if I am not adequately equipped without worry or being always busy from being available to even myself. I learned how to be available to me and that meant not so preoccupied with things I felt I need to do and not allowing God to be who He is. A provider and I trust that. I trust He will provide for not only my needs but the needs of others and I need to be well rested when it is time for me to step into my position/role I play in this life.