Tuesday, March 19, 2019

Thanking God for Community

I've been confronted with feelings of anxiety and depression. Dealing with being unsure with how I am going to survive different situations is not something I handle well, at least in my opinion. I become a bit excessive when it comes to preparing my everyday life. I want to feel at peace with certain tasks and people. I try to cover all basis of scenarios of events that could possibly take place so I do and I did to that at one point I did not include the people that were involved because they wouldn't do  or complete things the way I saw it fit or in my eyes the way it should be. I found out the struggle was real when I became very ill from  a liver disorder I was diagnosed with at a young age. I came out of a two month hospital stay and could not walk,  could barely move my arms so I was assisted in bathing and combing my hair plus a lot of other things that may seem small when you're at your best I could not do on my own. I needed help.

I had a fear of maybe I would not ever get back to where I used to be physically, financially, mentally. At the time I did not address these fears because I had way too much to think about than some little feelings I had. I had/have two children that need me at my best so at the end of the day thats all they would see out of me, my best, which at the time for me was not what I saw as my best. I would push pass severe pain doing things I knew I probably should not have been doing LOL (I still cannot fully admit this). I remember those around me were trying to tell me to just rest (they still do to this day) and of course would try and assist me the best they knew how. No one person could do anything the way I saw it should be but everyone there for me did their best and collectively I saw how it needed to be. I was humbled real quick. My patience was tested tremendously and my trust in God grew enormously, and this was just the beginning of a 5 year crazy fight with my illness.

Since then I have had a liver transplant, my spleen removed, and my colon removed as well. I get the looks and comments whenever I disclose this information to anyone. I really do not look like what I have been through and actually for the most part I don't feel like it either. I had a day when I was texting a friend that I did not want to take any medicine for a headache, his text "I don't blame you, you've been through a lot." I have been told this a little more than a lot but for some reason it did not click until I read it in this text message. I thanked him, my understanding that it was ok to feel a certain way was never there and now I could. I'm not saying you should feel sorry for yourself and go into a depression but recognizing that we are part flesh (human) allows us to see that we should not get caught up in the feeling so deep we go into a deep depression and never see how spiritual strong we are in God and who He created us to be. I have been through a whole lot and I still have some days I am under the weather. I take each day with stride and most importantly I accept gratefully the things I can control and the things I can not I sit back and watch God do what He does BEST!

If it was not for each part of Him showing me how collectively I needed Him I would not have understood how to properly handle my unsure feelings and fears. I would not have conquered my feelings of sorrow in times of loneliness and I definitely would not even find it necessary to continue to push for my PURPOSE  being fulfilled.

*Romans 12:4-5
For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.

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